The Legend of SKULTAR!

by White Elephant Music Club

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All the songs were written and recorded by members of the White Elephant Music Club on facebook.

The first White Elephant Music Club's Song Challenge was to write a song with a Sword and Sorcery theme, possibly mentioning "Skultar the Barbarian."

Skultar is a comic book character created and trademarked by Mark Wheatley and MJ Butler.


released September 21, 2010

The album cover image, "Skultar on the Elephant" was drawn by Mark Wheatley.




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Track Name: Chris Cogott - Skultar
Skultar the barbarian
Skultar the barbarian

An imposter
With a heroe's name
He's looking for someone to maim
And if he sees you
You best get out of his way
'Cause odds are
He's got nothing to say

He's Skultar the barbarian
He doesn't know wrong from right
And he'll never know wrong from right
Don't even give him the time of day
'Cause he's a barbarian
And he doesn't care what time it is

All he wants to do
Is cut you in two
On his way to save the world
Or cut off your head
I'm sure it was nothing you said

Skultar the barbarian
Skultar the barbarian
Track Name: Jutze - Planet Earth Role Playing
All those worlds of sword and sorcery
Are not that different from ours
People go to the grocery
And some believe in higher powers
They complain about the weather
They find politics annoying as hell
So it seems fair to assume
That they have role-playing games, as well

Planet Earth Role Playing
Where Frodo is a TV star
Conan plays a librarian
Who is driving around in an American car
Planet Earth Role Playing
Where Elric is an internet star
Skultar is a car salesman
And Lanfear is playing guitar

They are armed with nothing but pen and paper
And a couple of ten-sided dice
The wizardry and magic have to wait until later
For now there is an RPG-moon on the rise

Planet Earth Role Playing
Where Taran is a rock and roll star
And the tin man plays the pope
While Inigo Montoya is working in a bar
Planet Earth Role Playing
Where Xena is a radio star
Skultar is a car salesman
And Lanfear is playing guitar

Planet Earth Role Playing (repeat)
Track Name: JoAnn Abbott - The Ballad of Skultar
Well he rode into town on a mighty steed,
a sneer on his lips and a heart full of greed
and the stories say he was rotten through and through

The townsfolk knew all hope was dead
And those who could, well they all fled
While the rest all thought to life they’d say adieu

With a bastard sword upon his side
The bastard strutted in his pride
He feared no man and was lookin fer a fight

And the hardest thing for him to choose
Was kill folks first, or find some booze
And how many wenches he could bed that night

His name was Skultar- and he was bad.

Yeah men went pale while the gals would weep
But none of that made him lose sleep
Cause nobody had ever beat him down

Fate came and slammed him ‘gainst a wall
Cause folks who rise up high are bound to fall
He roared a challenge to the crowd
“Who wants to fight? Now don’t be proud!

I’ll take ya on by twos or fives or more!”
Still not a man would raise his head
“I’ll take you on you jerk cause this is WAR!”

Mrs Skultar. And she was MAD.

You left me with 8 mouths to feed
A stack of bills and a farm of weeds
It’s been five years but I have got you now!

And by the way, since you left home
I took classes with our local crone
And to seek revenge has been my constant vow

Her first words made him freeze with fear
Because he knew the end was near
As she raised her arms to cast a mighty spell

The sky grew black, her voice grew cold
With the cruelest spell that’s e’re been told
As she summoned lawyers from the depths of hell.

And that’s when Skultar, knew he’d been had
Or monsters- that’s part of his job
But no one can fight lawyers and stay sane/whole
They weighed him down with suits and briefs
A ton of paper with him beneath
Till at the end he barely kept his name

Back child support was just the start
Of the gold with which he had to part
Then alimony added to his pain

They took his horse his sword his pride
And left him begging the country wide
With not a penny of his ill found gains

And Mrs Skultar- she got his- well, lets just say
His loincloth didn’t have much left to cover up, ok?
Track Name: Kevin Savino-Riker - Skultar's Blade
This is not my fate
But it's the fight I've taken on
I'm consumed by hate
And fueled by all the blood I've drawn
I've come to reclaim
This sacred ground you tread upon
You'll not know my name
But if you cherish life you'll run

With all your might
And if you dare to fight

My blade will taste you

If you defend your land
Then I will kill you where you stand
Then I'll find your friends
And tell them how you met your end
Then I'll kill them too
Then I'll kill you once again
Then I'll find your wife
I'll cook her dinner then I'll

Kill you one more time
This sword and I will dine

My blade will taste you

Track Name: Emperor Gum - Iphis And Ianthee
Iphis' father didn't want a girl
Ianthe's settled for one
Iphis was told she was a man
Ianthe was told to marry one

Iphis learned to fight instead of talk
How to hold a sword and not a song
Ianthe learned to hold her tongue
Learned to whisper and grow her hair long

Break your mirror, break your mind
Leave your dreams in the fragments
Stop your wishing wasting time
Your not free to make your judgements

Find a girl and settle down
Find a boy to choose for you
Iphis found a girl who know her mind
Ianthee didn't find a boy

Break your engagement from your minds
Strip the rings from your fingers
You'll never marry in these times
Your not free to choose who lingers
If they would not take her as a woman
Iphis swore that they would accept a man

Iphis destroyed Argus, put out its prying eyes
Iphis murdered Scylla for its jealousy and pride
Iphis killed the Hydra, cut down that vicious snake
Iphis crushed the Minatour, that child of lust and hate

Ianthee waits on a island
A decade of lonely dawns
Ianthee watches the sails
Counting threads and mourns

Iphis, you'll ne'er prove yourself a man
Pray to the Gods, see if they can
Who are you trying to impress
Iphis, if you love her then leave here
Take this woman by the hand
You don't need to be a man to woe her
This land will never be your home
Beyond the horizen you will find your own
Track Name: wait, WHAT? - S-K-U-L-T-A-R

S! S is for the Skultar violent way,
K! If you say, "Let's read Skultar", I'll say 'K',
U! Stands for U! U have stolen destiny,
and L! is for La la la la.
T! T is for The swords, The knives, The blood, The fear,
The myth, The magic, The mercenary, The warrior, The steel brassiere,
A! Stands for A! wonderful time we're having here, and
R! is for Retail price $3.99.
You might be wondering, "What's the deal with these letters?",
Well, baby, now it's time to put them all together.
All together now.
S-K-U-L-T-A-R! (echo: S-K-U-L-T-A-R)
S-K-U-L-T-A-R! Ladies! (echo: S-K-U-L-T-A-R)
S-K-U-L-T-A-R! Dyslexics! (echo: R-A-T-L-U-K-S)
S-K-U-L-T-A-R! Skultar! (echo: Skultar!)
S-K-U-L-T-A-R! spells what? I can't hear you.
S-K-U-L-T-A-R! spells Love.
Track Name: Boffo Yux Dudes - Roll Dem Bones, Skultar
The brains of the operation just came down the hill.
Bouncing off rocks, their heads finally still.
How do I follow such a terrible slob?
Well, now I’m stuck ‘cause it’s my job.

I climbed on the backs of the previous fallen
Because I heard hoots and the slovenly callin’
of the creeps that kept hacking and people at bay
until the edge of my sword gave them nothing to say

Skultar! I cried as the wind heard a whistle.
I don’t think those dudes will use heads as a missile
Skultar! I shouted when I finished the game
What’s really important? It’s only a name.

I vanquished the cretins, the rest of them ran
When that Zakurai guy came up with a plan
You need a new gimmick to keep them away
Tho Skultar died quickly, you’re still here today.

Skultar! I screamed and I started to shout
They all seem to run when I pull my sword out
Skultar! I wonder who it is I can blame
What’s really important? It’s only a name.

He said to think quickly, and take on the name
of his old boss’s moniker, his largess and fame
It’ll make thing easier he coughed with a blurt
Just like everyone knows of Dread Pirate Roberts!

Skultar! I screamed as this got out of hand
I’m not a barbarian, only a man
Skultar! I know that the man is not me
but now i’m stuck with his old identity
Track Name: Heather Miller - The Ballad of Skultar
Generations come and pass
Still the ancient war does last
Between the Varzaks and my kin
the ancient race Alzedian

The blades will slash and blood will flow
When Skultar flies to fight his foe

Messengers were sent in peace
but were returned in pieces
We could no longer tarry
so called for a mercenary

The blades will slash and blood will flow
When Skultar flies to fight his foe

His reputation cruel and fierce
His swords through anything could pierce
Rippling muscles, deathly stare
Harsh battle cry, jet black hair

The blades will slash and blood will flow
When Skultar flies to fight his foe

We sent him forth, hopes held high
His head soon fell from the sky
Trust not those who recommend
ones who meet untimely end

The blades will slash and blood will flow
When Skultar flies to fight his foe
to fight his foe